Ad break! Crafty Kay sets the three ramekins out on the bench. She sprinkles raw sugar evenly across the tops of each creamy-yellow custard. Then… blue fire!

Wow, it happens so quickly! The second the flame touches the dessert the sugar dissolves into bronze liquid. On one the sugar is piled too high and suddenly blisters black.

“I’ll eat that one,” Crafty Kay says, handing me a perfectly crisped brulée.

This is my first time trying crème brulée so I’m not going to argue.

Back in front of the television. I tap delicately on the caramelised top. It’s very thin, and crinkles apart. Tasting the shards.

Um… I don’t know… tastes like burnt sugar. Which makes sense, considering its origin, but is that how it’s supposed to taste?

Beneath shell the butter-coloured custard is smooth and well-set. My spoon goes in easily, softer than jelly but firmer than pannacotta.

Oh! Oh! Delicious! It’s creamy and gentle and tastes so much like beautiful vanilla ice-cream. No egg-ness at all.

Huh, Jimmy is cooking chai crème brulée on TV! I’m sure that would be good too… but the brulée in the hand is worth three on the screen.

Eating it slowly… slowly… it’s so good I’m scared of finishing it.

…but it’s gone.

I want more!

The Masterchef judges drink Jimmy’s runny brulée up as I mournfully hunt the corners of the ramekins for any lost custard.

Forget the caramel on top, just give me the custard!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Specifics: Vanilla crème brulée cooked by my lovely talented friend

So that must mean dessert! Yay!

Hm, could have chocolate. Could have yoghurt. What would fill me up more?

There’s that packet of peanut dessert mix that I bought. Peanuts have protein, so that’s practically healthy!

Reading the ingredients. Sugar comes first. Okay, not so healthy.

Boiling the kettle in order to follow the instructions. Cutting open two sachets, emptying their yellow powdery contents into separate bowls. Smells like peanuts. Pour on the water and stirstirstir!

Um, it’s hard to simultaneously stir. I feel like my left hand is totally uncoordinated. There are still little pockets of powder and they form into balls that won’t dissolve.

Oh, fine. Swapping between each bowl, mixing them in turn. Now it seems to have gotten thick.

Hmm, a warm thing like this will not be bad on a cold night!

Handing a bowl to The Husband, sitting down to continue watching Veronica Mars.

The powder has become a smooth golden paste, with the occasional fleck of peanut… or powder, who can tell?

The bowl warms my hands. Scooping into my mouth.

Yes, very smooth, like a peanut puree. It’s very sweet. In fact, it’s more sugary than nutty. But the nuttiness is there… it’s peanut porridge!

The Husband complains that it’s too salty, and washes his down the sink. Salty? I don’t taste any salt.

In fact, the more I eat it the more I like it. I’ve always liked moist, smooth things – I mash my ice cream and I soak my weet-bix – so the texture appeals to me. There are the occasional crunches of peanut shards and the grit of sugary undissolved powder but both are pleasurable in a way.

But it is very very sweet, too sugary, and that does wear on one.

Now it does start to get salty. And sickeningly sweet.

Quickly scrape the bowl clean.

Urk. Well, those last two packets can go in the bin.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Specifics: Torto Instant Peanut Dessert, bought from a grocery store in Cabramatta

Too bad I’m full from Mrs Beez’ amazing cooking. Mmm broccoli and quiche and eggplant… the foods I am not allowed to cook at home.

Come on dessert stomach, where are you? You’re letting the team down!

Momentarily wavering in my resolve to try the coconut cake by the menu’s mention of ‘Persian love cake’. No! Must get to the source of Mr Beez’ delight!

The cafe is gleaming white, with an over-abundance of staff. They bring us water and we sit sipping while Mrs Beez recounts the documentary movie they saw recently that featured the life of a Mongolian baby.

I do remember while we were in UB being surprised that children as young as eight would be left home all day as the supervisor for their younger siblings. This movie seems to confirm that habit: Mrs Beez says the baby would be tethered to a post and left! I guess there aren’t many babysitters in the Gobi Desert.

And coconut cake arrives! It’s a large high square (how am I going to fit this in?) with a thick thatching of desiccated coconut, covered by a dusting of icing sugar. The pure white of the coconut and sugar plays off against the straw yellow of the cake and even matches with the decor. It seems a darker brown on the bottom, extra cooked.

Forking up a piece. The cake is moist and fluffy, tasting strongly of coconut and butter. It’s sweetish but not sugary, rich but not heavy. The coconut has merged into the batter so there are no strands visable, just the heavenly lifting flavour infusing the butter. The sprinkled topping adds extra texture.

Next forkful includes some of the base. Yum! Some sort of syrup has been allowed to soak in, and it is delicious. Almost like honey in its sweetness, with a hint of lemon. It’s fantastic, it seems to intensify the cake’s flavour. I wish there was more poured on top instead of the sugar and desiccation, getting even more of this absorbed into the cake would be only a good thing.

Mr Beez is on to a very good thing indeed. I can’t fit it all in though, so he bravely volunteers some of his stomach space.

I’d love to come back here and try some other cakes. That love cake did sound interesting, and Mrs Beez’ cheesecake looked divine with its topping of strawberry slices.

Wish they weren’t mopping right alongside me though; they’re not supposed to close for another forty-five minutes.

But that can’t spoil the cake for me! I take care to scrape up every crumb, as they’ve had a chance to take in the ghosts of syrup left in the cake’s wake.

So the Beez have put me onto yum cha, Neil Gaiman, mahjong, Wordpress, Veronica Mars, and now Greek coconut cake. I have good taste in friends with good taste!

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Specifics: Greek Coconut Cake, eaten from Sideways in Dulwich Hill

Reading the recipe. Wow, it just says to throw everything into the food processor. Awesome, even I can do that! Flour, in! Sugar, in! Raising agents, in! An epic amount of butter, in! Milo, in! Eggs, vanilla, sour cream, in in in! And now the machine does all my work for me. I had no idea you could mix batter in a food processor. Good to get new ways to use old appliances.

Taste. Whoa. It tastes like buttery icing. Have I done this right? It’s the most solid batter I’ve ever made.

Hmm, no cupcake liners. Muffin liners it is! Plopping the mixture spoon by spoon in. I think these are going to flop out rather than grow the cake up. Oh, I’ll just dump the liners into the holes in my muffin tray. No real reason that shouldn’t work… I guess? Man, I am not a baker…

Ooops. Got so busy cooking mushrooms for lunch that I didn’t check what time I put them in. Tap them on the top. Soggy. So longer then!

Okay, tap. Yup, pretty firm. That’ll do. Out on the rack to dry. They’ve risen okay, some are poking over the lining to make muffin-style tops but whatever.

Left the butter out for ages to soften but it still seams rather firm. Should I try and soften it in the microwave. No, probably it will melt into liquid and that will be no good. Maybe just being whacked by the electric beater will pummel it into submission.

No good. The butter is all caught up in the beaters, like candy floss on a stick. The beaters whirl and whirl but the butter just clings.

Pushing the speed up to the fastest. Whoa, the mixer bucks against my grasp… but yay, little bits of butter are beginning to splatter against the side of the bowl. Fighting with it, getting them.

Caster sugar. It’s very lumpy and solid, but the beaters will break those up.

Oh. No, the beaters do not break them up. There are little white sugar marbles moving through my creamed butter and they are not leaving. Crushing bits of sugar in my hands before adding them. Trying to sift it. This sugar is boulder-firm! Only got about half of what the recipe said in.

This icing is not turning out. Well, the only thing to do is to add the sweetened condensed milk and see how it goes. If it’s gross I just won’t use it and we can have ice cream.

Opening the can. The condensed milk is so thick and creamy-sticky. In it goes!

More beating… and I think it’s working! It looks okay!

Finger in. Tastes like butter.

This is going to be the predominate taste I can see.

But it’s good enough to use.

Sticking a knife into the thick icing and buttering my cupcakes with it. Not very fancy but hey, it’s working fine. Dribble on some condensed milk and dust with milo. Done.

Putting them in front of my guests. Waiting for someone else to go first but no-one is! Fine then.

Peeling back the paper, going in for the kill.

The cake does not taste like milo. It does not taste like much of anything. It’s neither dry nor mudcake moist but has texture like a muffin.

A bite with the icing is more satisfying. Really the cake is just the vehicle for the rich buttery topping. It’s so strong, it feels like just one bite and I’ve had enough.

The most pleasurable part is where the cake has grown crunchy from peeking over the liner. The crack against the soft cake and thick cream is most enjoyable.

Actually, I do like the icing. It’s richness is good, and it’s not too sweet. The smoothness in my mouth is nice; except for the pockets of dry sugar. I could use this icing on a banana cake or something perhaps.

Nibble the cake alone. Nope, really can’t get any milo flavour. Maybe I didn’t put enough in. Now I remember why I don’t bake: I can never get cakes to turn out right. Plus I always prefer the feel of something sweet to be cool and wet, like ice cream. Where can I get ice cream cupcakes?

Everyone agrees that they’re nice enough but no-one loves them.

Oh well. At least I tried! We can’t all be baking queens. I’ll stick to my cheesecake specialty and let others keep their well-deserved limelight.

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Specifics: Milo cupcakes with condensed milk icing, made to the recipe from Raspberri Cupcakes

Panna cotta just never looked as exciting as other things on a restaurant dessert menu. If given a choice between sticky date pudding and panna cotta, would anyone seriously go for the panna cotta?

Anyway, now I’m making it. At least the recipe looks quick and simple.

Except I have more buttermilk than the recipe requires. And I’ve already added it in. Oh well, I’ll put in less milk.

Er, the recipe says to dissolve the sugar in milk over heat. I don’t know that I can use the buttermilk for that… maybe it will go bad or something.

So I’ll just add extra gelatine and hope it’s fine. This is home cooking! No worries!

***

Handing over a panna cotta warily. It’s nice that I have a dessert to offer my visitor, but did it really have to be one I’ve not tried myself yet? I know she’s had panna cotta before, what if she knows it’s not right? I do think it’s too hard, from the TV I think it should wobble but mine is stiff as jelly.

We seat ourselves with spoons in front of Masterchef.

She’s taking a bite. Watching from the corner of my eye. She looks at it strangely.

“Is there lemon in there?”

Oh dear. “No… it’s buttermilk.”

“Ah…” She eats a bit more, then sees my intent stare. “It’s fine, don’t worry!”

Sticking my spoon in. It scoops with the texture of jelly. I think panna cotta ought to be on the verge of melting but mine is more determined. It’s a thick creamy white. Smells like slightly sour milk.

Tastes tart. Yes, I see where the lemon comment came from. Probably I ought to have increased the sugar. The mouthfeel is smooth, softer than jelly after all. Rather comforting. I feel like I’m eating healthy ice cream or something, what with the milky lightness.

It would be better with fruit or some kind of sauce to add sweetness or another flavour. It’s a bit plain in its acidity. But not bad. Not bad at all for a five minute left-overs recipe.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Specifics: Buttermilk panna cotta made using Alexandra’s Kitchen recipe

I don’t want to be full! I should have skipped the savory pizza and gone straight for dessert. I don’t even know why we bother with mains when there is sugary creamy goodness to be had!

Except for that little thing called nutrition, one supposes.

Looking hopefully to The Husband, knowing that dessert pizzas are not normally his thing. Everyone else at the table is going to get some sort of brownie, but I can’t miss the opportunity for pizza-based naughtiness.

His eyes smile down at me. “Want to share something?”

“Yes… would you be okay with the banana pizza? You’d like it more than the apple one, right?”

“I’ll give it a go.”

Yay!

It arrives, a small disc in four quarters, with two scoops of ice cream and a tiny puddle of caramel sauce on the side.

Ice cream and pizza for you, ice cream and pizza for me. Spooning the caramel over the banana pizza in a drizzle of dark amber.

Cutting a demure slice. The bananas are packed onto the pizza in long strips, plump and yellow. The menu said they’d be caramelised but they are most definitely not. There is no sign of any other cooking besides being heated in an oven. Also they were reported to be on a bed of crème patissiere. Er… no. They are straight onto the base… or perhaps there is a tiny smear somewhere that I can’t detect.

But what does it taste like?

Delicious.

The banana is warm and almost melting in its softness. Despite the lack of caramel – can’t even taste the sauce I dotted my slice with – the dessert is rich from the intense ripe banana flavour. The base is crisp but with a softness around the fruit and fulfills it’s job of ferrying the banana to my mouth. The ice cream helps cut through the intensity, but is a bit too cold and frozen, and not of the best quality.

But that banana is amazing. I could eat that by itself.

All too quickly my plate is as empty as my notoriously fussy husband’s.

Standing up to go. All of a sudden my stomach is as full as a bowling ball. But worth it. Mmm banana.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Specifics: Hawaiian Islands Pizzetta from GPK Chatswood

Couldn’t eat a whole bar though. Lucky I got given a funsize Boost to try by a friend.

Oh, it’s by Cadbury and the wrapper even echoes the classic Dairy Milk purple. That’s a good start!

It’s not as small as I’d expected though, not far off the length of your average Milky Way. Like a big chocolate-box treat!

Outside it’s all smooth chocolate, hiding whatever is beneath.

Only one way to discover!

Nibble the end. Mmm, my fav kind of chocolate. Nice generous layer. Happy just with that. But must explore further.

Okay, found a caramel layer along the top and sides. A bit gentle, sweet and a little salty. Not as overwhelming rich as sometimes soft caramel is. It’s happy to work with the team, not flatten all in its path.

I think there’s a thin wafer layer between the caramel and the soft chocolate ganache in the centre. Maybe. There’s no crunch or bite… perhaps it’s just a visual illusion. But studded inside the soft chocolate centre are circular biscuity wafer bits. No real taste but crisp!crunch!

The ganache is kinda similar… all about mouthfeel over flavour. Lick, try and get a taste of the smooth softness alone… can’t do it, it doesn’t seem to have a strong enough flavour when isolated.

Ha, with it really being chocolate, caramel and crunch it’s a bit like a really chocolatey Chomp bar, without the chewiness. Not a bad thing.

Hmm, would I buy a full-size Boost? Maybe… I definitely wouldn’t turn one down!

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Specific: Funsize Cadbury Boost, given by a friend

Peering around the backs of other customers to see the selection.

Not a great selection. Quite a small range, really. Perhaps late in the afternoon was not a good time to come… Well, tough, I’m here now.

Nothing really looks enticing. I love moist desserts and these all look quite dry. Of course, I also haven’t drunk anything the entire day and it is now 3pm so that’s not really their fault but still…

Okay, okay, my partner in pastry purchasing has happily selected a vegan apple tart, come on, just pick something…

I point to the bell-shaped mystery item. “What’s a canelé?”

Huh? The server has a quiet voice, I think she said something about pudding and rum. Sure, it sounds interesting and also is cheaper than a lot of the other options…

Carting my canelé off in a paper bag. Why is the sky filled with smoke? Will check the news later.

Really I feel like an iced chai but that’s at the other end of Newtown and it’s really time to go catch a train. Sooooo thirsty but sooooo against waste I cannot buy bottled water… Hmm, sneak into the Bank Hotel for some free tap water? Yes.

Much better. Ooops, missed the train. Well, the fifteen minute wait can be filled by eating!

Hmm, it weighs next to nothing. It seems to have been cooked in a tiny Bundt tin, grooves down the sides, but no hole in the centre. Small enough to stand in my palm, short enough to be held between my thumb and index finger. Good size since I’m not that hungry.

No real smell. The deep brown outside is hard, kind of bubbled like it’s burnt or been set alight. A pattern of tiny black dots on top, perhaps vanilla seeds.

Bite.

The outside is chewy with a bit of crunch. It’s all stuck in my teeth. It tastes caramelised, a bit like toffee.

Inside is a pale yellow moist dough. It’s kind of like if you turned custard into cake. Yes, it tastes like eggy custard.

I don’t taste much rum. The outside is nicer than the inside, with its caramelised flavours. The custardy stuff is just a bit bland for me. But nice that it was moist after all!

Perhaps it would be better reheated rather than eaten cold.

Well, Black Star, I will give you another go but only because I’ve heard such good things from other people. Perhaps a mid-morning visit next time.

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Specifics: Canelé bought from Black Star, Newtown

Hmm, what sweet thing will I snack on tonight? There’s that yoghurt that I bought on special, let’s see how that goes…

Open the tub. We buy a lot of vanilla yoghurt, but I’ve never seen this much watery whey on top. Where’s a spoon, better mix it up…

Argh, quick, ad break is nearly over!

Stirring. It’s much thicker than other reduced fat yoghurts we’ve bought… it’s kind of in curds, moving in lumps rather than flowing in rivers…

Pour some in a bowl. The curds go plop plop plop.

Tasting. Mmm, tasty! Sweet but not too sweet, there’s a tang. Vanilla? Hmm, kind of, not heaps, not really, but they never really are… Vanilla really means ‘plain but sweet’ in yoghurt terms.

It’s very thick and creamy. It reminds me of the delicious yoghurt you get at the deli. No fakey chemical taste like the one we normally buy.

Course, this probably has way more calories, even if it is ‘low fat’. But maybe it’s worth it…

This is so thick and nice I could serve it with cake to guests. Might think about that for the future.

Gah, forgot about the television!

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Specifics: Vaalia French Vanilla Yoghurt, bought that Coles Macquarie Fields

Gelato! Possibly for the last time til next summer.

There is a huge crowd outside Gelatomassi: of course, it’s the best place in town. I mean, okay Ice & Slice has more atmosphere. Some like Dolce & Gelato, but honestly the gelato there is far too watery. Gelatomassi may not have seats but they do have flavours!

The Husband looks wary of the crowd. Aww, poor thing. “I’ll go inside and order for both of us, just tell me what you want.”

He’s pleased and I go in alone. Duck and weave between people, try and catch a view of all the labels, pushing further into the store…

Hey, they have fresh fig! I have recently become a fan of fresh fig! I could become a fan of fresh fig gelato!

Get assertive, get in the orders, get the bounty, get out of the store and into the park!

We seat ourselves in the park next to the graveyard, he with his cookies and cream milkshake and me with my cup of gelato.

It’s a pale dusky pink, almost to lavendar at times. Attack!

Cold floods my mouth, a hint of sugar and… ugh! It tastes like fig skin! The bitter planty bit that I generally abandon!

Um, well, maybe it was just that bite.

Nope, this one also has that green stalk aftertaste.

Unlike!

There is a bit of a sweet taste but there is no coconut vanilla figgy goodness. I do not detect the beautiful flavour that resides in the fruit’s inner anemone. Just the skin and some sugar.

So disappointed. Pout. But of course, I will finish it, never let it be said that I let gelato go to waste…

Soon the cold numbs my tongue so all I can sense is the icy temperature. This takes away the skin flavour, but what a mockery of how a gelato experience should be!

So, my first bad buy from Gelatomassi… oh well, at least a bad gelato from there is still creamy and not icy… unlike some!

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Specifics: Fresh fig gelato from Gelatomassi, Newtown